Table #11 - Carole
A park go-er shares her experience leaving France to pursue a life in New York City, how we always bring ourselves with us, and why it is important to be introspective.
The Café Table
W:

How would you describe this chapter of your life, and what do you think that its teaching you?

I would describe this chapter of my life as… being a chance that I took, away from my native land haha, to get closer to myself. Away from the heavy baggage - luggage I think you would say in english?  - that appeared as frontier to me, a frontier to my own self. I traveled with them, but with the geographical distance, I allowed myself to change perspective a little bit on this heavy baggage. I can sort of unmesh myself from them and see them and deal with them in an easier way. This is my entry into individuality, I guess.

W:

That sounds very, big. So, you’ve done it, you’ve taken this leap. What have you learned so far?

That there's not going to be a point where its achieved, its an ongoing process honestly. Its an everyday work, to discover oneself, to discover myself. I’ve learned that one life is enough haha. I do not want to be younger, I do not want to come back in another life, in prior times, because I did not know myself as much. Its painful just to think of it.

W:

I find that, something I’ve learned from doing this table is that we’re really just all trying to figure it out ya know, and I feel that we’re all just learning how to live with ourselves. How do we stay with ourselves despite any of the circumstances, because the circumstances always change. You finish something, you have something and then you don't, but you’re always with you. You’re always with your baggage.

Totally. For a long time, still a little bit now, I was trying to find.. I felt an emptiness, that I was trying to cover with a person. Trying to find another person, honestly, thats going to fill up this void, this emptiness, this mental solitude, that I end up in when I realize wherever I go, this is what I am going to carry around. So, its never going to leave me.

...

Oui. Yeah, I truly believe, by experience only, that if one changes, it's because they’ve reached a point of … do you say unbearab-ility? ... I believe that if you find a way to go on with your life, and numb your brain, or distract it constantly, if you live great that way, you can live a long time and not look in you. There has to be a certain incapacity that you wear off to start looking into you. but its not about doing or producing. Its more about functioning, as a human being. Suddenly, you just want to, you just want to disappear. Theres something thats functional, and its really hard every day. Maybe at that point you’re going to start the hard work.